Parenting Lark – Now it's mostly better, and the cracks are held together with duct tape

But what does NVR look like?

TL:DR – The Boy went to a party, had a great time and we have a plan for the next time

What actually happened…

The Boy informed me that he would be going to a friend’s house on a Friday evening after school and that after that they would be going to another friend’s house as it is his birthday and there is a party happening.

He went to the party.

7pm:
Me: Dude? Are you home?
Him: No
Me: What time are you going home?
Him: I don’t know yet

8.30pm (he was due to have dinner with The Uncle
Me: Dude? Are you home?
Him: No
Me: Did you text The Uncle?
Him: Why?
Me: Because it is polite to let people know where you are and what time you will be home
Him: What do I say?
Me: <here are the words>
Me: What time are you heading home?
Him: I dunno. My friend will drop me home
Me: Has your friend been drinking?
Him: His mother is collecting him. She will bring me home.
Me: Have a great evening

11.30pm
Me: Please let me know when you are home

12.10am (his dinner was in the fridge and he ate it when he got home)
Him: I am home
Me: Thank you for letting me know. Did you have a nice time?
Him: Yeah
Me: I hope you sleep well and we will talk more about it tomorrow

The following morning we talked
Me: Did you have a good time?
Him: Yeah
Me: I am glad. We need to make a plan to have a chat about communication if you are out?
Him: Why?
Me: Because it is polite to let someone know if you have changed plans that you made with them (dinner with The Uncle) and it is considerate to let people know if/when you will be home
Him: OK

There were so many opportunities for screaming and shouting, for escalation and embarrassment. Instead my kid had a good time, I went to bed knowing he was safe, and we have the opportunity to learn how to be better humans to ourselves and others.

That my friends is what NVR looks like in the wild.

Sliding Doors Moments

We all have them. Those moments where we make a choice then look back later at them and realise how profound they were.

Yesterday I got to speak to The Stranger. I got the opportunity to tell her that she changed my life. We don’t tend to tell people when they have those massive impacts on us, mainly because it is years later when we can see the bigger picture.

Yesterday I got to say “Let me show you the bigger picture. Let me tell you the part you played in it”.

I cannot take credit for all of the work that I did with The Boy (or should I call him The Man now?). The blanket that I wrapped our family in was woven from a variety of threads, not all my own. Some were bought, some borrowed. Some requested, others given without prior consent. I picked and discarded many along the way, and still do so now.

If you look to the centre of the cloth, the part that holds it all together, I am there. I made the choices, I dealt with the fall out. I put in the work and I reap the rewards.

I started weaving that blanket after The Stranger gave me her advice. I owe her more than I could ever have words to express.

Seeking Connection

The Brother got in trouble in school. School dealt with it. I told him that it was school’s issue, they dealt with it and that I won’t be doling out punishment when it has already been doled. I figured the matter was closed.

About 2 hours later he came to me and asked me if I would like a coffee.

I could have seen the offer of a coffee in two ways:

Sucking up
Connection seeking

If I saw it as sucking up to me, trying to curry favour after getting into trouble in school, I could easily have been cross with him. I could have rejected the coffee and with it his fragile olive branch.

If I saw it as connection seeking, wanting to know that we are ok in spite of things that are happening in our lives, I could easily be open to connection, open to saying “Yes, we are OK. We will always work to be OK”, open to accepting the coffee and with it his fragile olive branch.

I asked if he would like to make me a coffee, and he said yes, so I told him I would love a coffee.

Off he went and returned in an appropriate amount of time with my perfectly made coffee.

We put another gem in the connection collection and reestablished that we are OK. We will always work to be OK.

Future Conditional

I have wondered over the years whether this blog would end in a process of natural evolution.
– When The Boy becomes a man
– When he stops struggling with the world
– When all of the problems are solved

Logically I know that when he becomes a man he is not going to spontaneously stop needing my help, that he will never no longer struggle with the world, that the problems will never all be solved.

And so I move to “as he & I evolve, how will this blog evolve?” and wonder if I have painted myself into a corner with the blog title of “The Space Between Us Was Broken”.

Recently my view of that title has changed. Yes, 6 years ago it was the space between The Boy and I that was broken, but it was also the space between us (collectively and individually) and the world.

The world was not built, and is not organised with The Boy and I in mind.

We are autistic in a neurotypical world. Society’s perception is that it is our job to reshape ourselves in order to fit it, to belong, to align ourselves with standards that make no sense to us.

So I have come to realise that this blog, like the relationship between The Boy and I, has evolved and the focus has changed from one interpersonal relationship to how two neurodivergent people relate to the world.

I am excited for this change.

A Future I Couldn’t Imagine

6 years ago I sat in an uncomfortable chair beside an uncomfortable mattress on the floor facing the uncomfortable truth that I couldn’t imagine a future in which The Boy, The Brother & I would all be warm, safe & dry.

The Boy was in hospital for a psychiatric evaluation (which amongst other things found me failing as his parent) and I did not know how the rest of the evening would go. I knew where we would sleep that night (him in a hospital bed, me on the aforementioned mattress on the floor) but I didn’t know where we would sleep the next night, or the one after that.

I cried silently sitting beside The Boy, waiting for the next time he lost his words, lost his peace, lost his ability to be present in the world. I didn’t have to wait for long.

I cried myself to sleep that night, filled with not knowing.

________________________________________________________________________________________

This afternoon I sat on an uncomfortable chair beside The Boy, who if truth be told is almost a man, listening to teacher after teacher tell me what I already know. He is delightful to teach, a pleasure to be around. By the 5th one I was struggling to hold back my tears.

I wanted to say “Let me tell you where we were. Let me tell you how it was. Let me explain how different this nearly man is than the boy he once was” but I didn’t. He deserves the freedom to be the nearly man he is now, not to be tattooed with the past that we share.

I know the difference. When I think about it, it steals the air from my lungs.

I used to say “He is getting bigger and stronger. If this continues one of us will be in the morgue and the other will be in the Joy”. He is bigger and stronger now, standing at least 4 inches taller than me.

We regularly drive past the morgue and he is most definitely a joy!

I Parent Well

Back in the time when I was afraid of my child
Back in the time when I couldn’t say no to him
Back in the time when I would do anything for a few minutes peace

I said yes
All the time
To all the things

I said yes to spending real money to buy fake things on the PlayStation

Once I started saying yes it became harder to start saying no
So I continued to say yes

All the while I ignored my budget

He would ask how much he had in savings
I would say, honestly, I don’t know
The lack of knowledge was another reason to say yes
So I continued to say yes

Eventually I crunched the numbers
Found where we each were financially

He had overspent by at least €100

I was so down trodden, so beaten by life
I couldn’t say “You are in debt to me”

But I could say “You are broke
You have spent all you had
There is nothing left”

Now is the time when I delight in being his parent
Now is the time when we can talk openly about everything
Now is the time when time spent with him is a few minutes peace

He told me today that he wants to buy something
That he really wants the something
But also doesn’t want to repeat the PlayStation thing

He doesn’t want to go broke buying fake things with real money

That time was 5 years ago
That lesson held firm

I parent well

Wonder

Once upon a time I was afraid that he would get bigger and stronger

I wondered what it would mean in my life

5 years later he is 3.5″ taller than me and today I started teaching him how to lift weights with a view to being stronger

I am full of wonder for what the next 5 years will bring us

Capability and Desire

I was listening to Tarana Burke in an interview today and she was talking about when she realised that her expectations of her mother’s love for her were not in line with her mother’s capability to love her.

It reminded me so much of “Humans do well when they can”. I have taken that mindset and applied it to all aspects of my life but have only ever heard it used in relation to explosive children.

As I approach the 5th anniversary of meeting Marie I continue to explore the early part of my journey with her by my side, the part she asked me about many times, the “why did I keep going?” part.

Capability and Desire helps to describe it a little.

My capabilities to love him, to parent him, to help him, were limited.

My desire to find a new way of loving him, of parenting him, of helping him, was not.

I had looked over and over before I met her. I looked over and over after I met her.

I desired it.

I did not have a fixed mindset that the way we were was the way we would always be.

I wasn’t capable.

I wanted, however, to learn how to be more capable.

Looking at the sentence “I want to learn how to be more capable” I feel inspired.

As much as I love inspiring other people, I adore inspiring myself!

It Ain’t What You Say, It’s The Way That You Do It

I know I missed out some lines in the song 😉

The Parent: Dude?
The Boy: Yeah?
TP: In the past said some very unkind things to you, and hurt your body with my body.
TB: (nodding)
TP: I have apologised for doing that with my words. I like to believe that I have shown you in the way that I have chosen to build a new relationship with you that I am sorry for what I did, and that I don’t want to ever do it again.
TB: (still nodding)
TP: I can think I am doing the right thing, but I need to check with you how the message is landing.
TB: (smiling and nodding)
TP: So that was me checking in that everything is landing the right way
TB: Can I have something to eat?
TP: Sure. Cuddle?
TB: No.

I ask him at least once every day for a cuddle. I remember the last time he said yes. I know he will say yes again. I accept his no every time.

Where Do I Find My Joy?

Sometimes days of routine pass.
I meditate. I care for myself. I lift. I eat well.
The routine is smooth and peaceful.

And then I have weeks like this one.
Weeks in which the universe has decided it is time for enlightenment.

On Monday I was listening to Brené Brown talk about gratitude and joy.
She used a quote from David Steindl-Rast

“The root of joy is gratefulness… It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.”

That in and of itself did not ring any alarm bells.
The quote was framed and placed on a shelf in the library of my mind.
There to be seen, already noted as important, saved for future reference.

Today I was driving to a family wedding.
The Boy was sitting to my left, eating chicken and noodles with chop sticks.
5 minutes earlier he had asked me, while I was driving, how to use chop sticks!
I had shown him the placement of the sticks, using a nail file and a tweezers, and left him off to do it.

I changed lanes and the change in road surface caused the car to jiggle.
He continued to eat.

I will take a moment here to say that at various times in the last 5 years I have asked Google some random questions.
One of them being

“where do I find my joy?”

Needless to say Google had no answer for me.

In the same time frame that I was asking Google for the GPS location of my joy, The Boy was struggling with being alive.
Everything hurt.
Putting on socks was too hard some days.
Everything took too much energy and he was living in a world full of rough edges and sharp corners.
Everything frustrated him.

And so back to today.

As I drove with him eating beside me I became so grateful for the work we have done,
for the progress he has made,
for his self found ability to deal with frustration
and like a tidal wave following the gratitude
I was overcome with joy.

Me: There are moments when I am just so incredibly grateful for all the improvements and all of the work that we did and it fills me with such joy
Him: because the road is bumpy and I am able to eat without getting frustrated?

And with that I had the second wave,
the after shock of more gratitude for his self awareness,
and the joy that followed.

There is no way that Google could ever have told me where to find my joy.