I want you to apologise.  Not all the time and not for everything but I want you to use all of your words and say that you are sorry and what you are sorry for.

I taught The Boy and The Brother to use a spoon, I taught them to climb the stairs safely, I taught them the Green Cross Code.  I taught them many other things but you get the idea.  I taught them things they needed to know.  Long before I used words to describe what I was doing (in some cases I never used words) I acted it out.  I modeled how to do things.  I am a talker, so I was talking out the actions as well as doing them, one shoe, two shoes, first hand, second hand, you know how it goes.

Somewhere along the way I seem to have forgotten that apologising is a learned skill that has to be modeled too.  I don’t remember anyone teaching me to apologise and for some unknown reason the idea of apologising to my children seemed completely wrong, especially when they were unwilling to apologise to me.

I didn’t do the math on that one.  I saw them as unwilling to apologise, not unable.  Of course they were unable.  I hadn’t taught them how because I hadn’t actually done it in front of them.

It was hard at first.  I felt like I was grovelling, begging for forgiveness.  It was made harder by the fact that they didn’t spontaneously start apologising to me for their wrongdoings.

Like any muscle, the more you work it the stronger it gets.  The more you say “I am sorry I got cross earlier” the more settled your voice becomes.  The more settled your voice is, the more honest and real your apology sounds.  The more honest and real it sounds, the more likely it is to be believed.  Rinse, repeat.

It is never too late to apologise.  Often the apology cannot be heard in the moment.  When the hurt feelings shutters are down and the other person cannot be reached an apology will not land the way it is intended, and will possibly be more fuel on the already blazing fire.  Later, the next day, even “at some point” an apology is better than none.

Sweeping things under the carpet, not mentioning something so as to not rock the boat, simply adds to the things we DO NOT DO and we miss out on a learning opportunity.  More importantly we miss out on a connection opportunity.

If the idea of apologising to your child inspires a SHOULD statement (he should know better, he should apologise) have a think about how you feel when you are told you SHOULD do something.  Would you like your child to apologise because they SHOULD or because they know it is the right thing to do?  Out of obligation or out of human decency?

I am still modeling the art of apology, and in the process refining my own art of apology.  It is different for each child, as it should be because they are different and the reasons for apology are different.

Apologising does not make you less in the eyes of your child.  It is part of the journey to satisfying, valued connection.