Marie has asked me many times why I kept going. Why I continued with the program when I was sure it was going to fail, when I was intent on proving it would fail, when I had given everything I had to give and had nothing left.

I have asked myself this many times too.

I wish there was a magic wand answer. The answer that communicated that I knew all along it would be worth it. Alas, there is not.

I have my answers that I give to the world:
– he deserves the best chance to be the best adult he can be
– some day someone will fall in love with him and they deserve the best adult I can help him be
– it is my job to grow the best adult that I will release into the world

The truth is a little more gritty than that.

I broke him. It was my job to fix him.

Plain and simple. He did not get to be the way he was in a vacuum. I was the adult in the equation. I should have known better. I should have done better.

When I knew better, I did better, but that does not absolve me of my past actions. I believe nothing I ever do will absolve me of my past actions, but all of the answers I give to the world still apply.

So I keep going, even with the knowledge that I will never atone for my past indiscretions, but the hope that some day he will forgive me.

That is why I keep going.