Parenting is draining.  Emotionally, physically, financially, across the spectrum it is draining.

Look on the internet for ways to counteract the drain and you will be told to practice self care.  That is the point at which I zone out.

What happens when parenting a particular child is more draining than “usual”?  When more of the village is needed to support the child and their parent.  Who cares for the village?

Parenting a child who is wired differently, who lives with anxiety, who has a specific diagnosis very easily leads to social isolation where the resources available to the parent get smaller and smaller.  This often means the parent has one or two reference points, specific supporters, people who are not parenting the child but are in a direct supportive role to the parent.   Outside of that is, well, everyone else.

Being the supporter is, in it’s turn, draining but in different ways.

Often the supporter is the only route for “Everyone Else” to reach the parent.  So the supporter is getting it from both sides.  They are being strong for the parent, trying to provide the help that is needed, and also being a buffer for everyone else and their myriad of opinions.

This is not about supporting change, or encouraging it by using the supporter as a conduit.  It is simply about supporting the supporter while the status quo remains.

And that brings me back to the title.  How do you support the supporter?  How do you care for the caregiver’s carer?

The obvious answer?

Ask them what they need, and then provide it.
Don’t provide the care you would like to receive.
Don’t presume you know them better than they know themselves.
Don’t tell them what to do, what to say or how to care for the parent.
Don’t use them as a route to the parent.
Keep your opinion to yourself.

I am not so great at the last one.  I am working on it.