January has kicked my butt.  Christmas is over.  There is no doing to do other than wait for Spring to come.  The days are short, the nights are cold and the storms are frequent.

January has not been kind to my mental health.

I spend long periods of time alone with my thoughts.  Alone in the memories of the time that went before.  I know the past does not define me, and I can construct any future I want but when the past is firmly positioned in my memory, willing to pop up and remind me of all my wrong doings, I am at it’s mercy.

That my son is in the process of forgiving me for my horrible parenting is great for him, but does absolutely nothing for the relationship I have with the past, and sadly how it colours my present.

I read about moving on from guilt, and step two is typically “Forgive yourself” (after the “identify what you are guilty of” step one).  That is where I stop reading.  A lot like “stop taking it personally” I cannot move past “Forgive yourself” because I don’t, nor do I think I should.

January is finally over, but that does not mean that Winter is over, nor does tomorrow bring absolution for my sins.