Hard Time – Parenting Lark

Capability and Desire

I was listening to Tarana Burke in an interview today and she was talking about when she realised that her expectations of her mother’s love for her were not in line with her mother’s capability to love her.

It reminded me so much of “Humans do well when they can”. I have taken that mindset and applied it to all aspects of my life but have only ever heard it used in relation to explosive children.

As I approach the 5th anniversary of meeting Marie I continue to explore the early part of my journey with her by my side, the part she asked me about many times, the “why did I keep going?” part.

Capability and Desire helps to describe it a little.

My capabilities to love him, to parent him, to help him, were limited.

My desire to find a new way of loving him, of parenting him, of helping him, was not.

I had looked over and over before I met her. I looked over and over after I met her.

I desired it.

I did not have a fixed mindset that the way we were was the way we would always be.

I wasn’t capable.

I wanted, however, to learn how to be more capable.

Looking at the sentence “I want to learn how to be more capable” I feel inspired.

As much as I love inspiring other people, I adore inspiring myself!

Author Unnamed

I have been where you are

In my own flavour of hell

I have cried myself to sleep hoping tomorrow would be different with the knowledge that it wouldn’t be

I have prayed for quiet moments
For the freedom to use the bathroom in peace

I have been where you are

I have watched my child attack his brother

I have watched him destroy property

I have permanent marks on my body from where he kicked me with his shoes on

I have been where you are

I have said yes when every cell in my body has screamed no but I couldn’t face the fallout from saying no

I have been where you are

I have called my child names that I wouldn’t be willing to include in this poem

I have been where you are

What Way Did I Pay It Forward?

I have experienced a variety of low mood events in my life. The lowest of the low were ugly, with me defending with all my might the reasons why I should not stay alive. Verbalising them to anyone who would listen.

My ex reacted to them by questioning me about whether I knew how they impacted her, how difficult they were for her and what should she do when they were happening. I told her to let them burn out and trust that I would return. This was not something she was able to do and so she questioned me again about whether I knew how they impacted her. We never got to a point of her telling me how she was impacted, of her telling my that she found them difficult and it took her time to recover. It landed as I should change so that she didn’t have to deal with my fragile mental health.

I am equal parts happy and embarrassed that I changed to meet her needs. I am happy that I figured out a way to not sink into that low, not get swallowed whole by my passive death wish, but I dislike the reason why I did it. I didn’t do it for myself. I did it to stop her giving out to me that it was happening. It took a long time and a lot of work and I am in no way suggesting that this is a solution for anyone other than me, as I operate on an n=1 policy.

Recently a loved one had one of those bottomless pit lows and I felt the fall out from it. I tried to say “It affected me too, please give me time to deal with how it felt for me” but I am afraid it got filtered through a shame filter that so many in my generation had installed in childhood.

The Boy knows that when he has a hard time, I have a 2nd hand hard time. The reason he knows this is because I have told him. I did not tell him in order to shame him into not having a hard time, but to know that when he comes out the other side, I will also be coming out the other side.

Too often mental health problems are not mentioned, not discussed for fear of “setting someone off” or shaming the unwell person. This just adds to the secrecy, the shame. “I saw what happened” lands as “Don’t do it again” instead of “I see you, I noticed, knowing that you were in pain caused me pain”

I wonder now if I paid forward the experience I had with my ex, that of having my loved one perceive that I was shaming them in order to elicit change, or the experience I have with The Boy, that of knowing that his hard time is hard for me too and now we have a new opportunity to be kind to each other for we are both humans figuring out our way in this life.

I hope it was the latter. I fear it was the former.

Through What Lens?

I have had a friend for almost 30 years. We have met 7 times over the course of those years. When you get past about 15 years friends become family, although some of them graduate long before then. He is very definitely family now.

This morning he had his second cataract surgery. A week ago he was “too blind to drive”, today he can read fine print again.

He sees the world now through lenses that were chosen for him, to give him the best chance at doing his best for as long as they last him, or as long as he lasts them.

3 years ago I made a decision to see The Boy through a different lens. I had been looking at him and seeing that he was a list of negative words, words that influenced how I thought about him, what sort of future I saw for him. The change was to seeing him through the lens of “Humans do well when they can”. At any given moment he is doing as well as he can. Admittedly, sometimes “as well as he can” looks dreadful, but it is always as well as he can.

I don’t remember the hour or the day that that new lens slotted into place permanently. Sometimes the lens gets a little foggy, similar to when glasses wearers come in out of the cold and their glasses get all steamed up, but I wipe it clean and we are back to where we belong. I know most of the people around me didn’t have that lens change, and as a result don’t see him the way I do, but I cannot change other people and so I will continue to model what I believe is a good way to see the people in my life.

It does lead me to wonder what lens people do see him through. Do they see the kid he is now, looking through today’s uninfluenced lens? Do they see him through the lens of his past wrong doings? Do they still hold the same opinion of him now that they formed then?

This occupies more of my mental energy than I would like it to. I worry that he will, for some people, be forever tarred with the same brush, that they will never get to see the wonderful human being he is growing into.

Conversation: When You’re Having A Hard Time…

The Mom: When you’re having a hard time do you forget how to do things?
The Boy: Yes
TM: So there are things that you can do when you are feeling OK that you can’t remember how to do when you’re having a hard time?
TB: Yes
TM: Like what?
TB: I can’t remember all my words
TM: WOW! That’s tough. Can you remember how to solve things?
TB: No
TM: When you’re having a hard time do you know that you are normally able to do these things?
TB: No
TM: OK. Is there anything else you can’t do when you are having a hard time?
TB: I can’t tell people things
TM: So you can’t tell people that you are having a hard time?
TB: Yes
TM: Thanks for telling me these things. It helps me understand how things work for you.
The Brother: When you are having a hard time you should just play Terraria
TB: When I am having a hard time I can’t play Terraria
TBrother: OK. Can you play Terraria now?
TB: Yes! I am not having a hard time.

Sometimes I Get It Wrong

Sometimes I can’t stay calm when I need to
Sometimes I can’t see things the way he does
Sometimes I simply lack the patience needed
Sometimes parenting needs more from me than I have to give it

These are my worst times

The times I am not proud of
The times that erode all the progress we have made
The times when I don’t think I have what it takes to parent The Boy
The times when I am sorry he got stuck with me for a mom.

These are my hardest times

When I have to be kind to myself so I can be kind to him
When I have to forgive myself so that I can seek forgiveness from him
When I have to push through the sadness and despair to find hope
When I have to remember that it is not hard all the time and it will be better

These are what I have to do so that we can move forward