But what does NVR look like?

TL:DR – The Boy went to a party, had a great time and we have a plan for the next time

What actually happened…

The Boy informed me that he would be going to a friend’s house on a Friday evening after school and that after that they would be going to another friend’s house as it is his birthday and there is a party happening.

He went to the party.

7pm:
Me: Dude? Are you home?
Him: No
Me: What time are you going home?
Him: I don’t know yet

8.30pm (he was due to have dinner with The Uncle
Me: Dude? Are you home?
Him: No
Me: Did you text The Uncle?
Him: Why?
Me: Because it is polite to let people know where you are and what time you will be home
Him: What do I say?
Me: <here are the words>
Me: What time are you heading home?
Him: I dunno. My friend will drop me home
Me: Has your friend been drinking?
Him: His mother is collecting him. She will bring me home.
Me: Have a great evening

11.30pm
Me: Please let me know when you are home

12.10am (his dinner was in the fridge and he ate it when he got home)
Him: I am home
Me: Thank you for letting me know. Did you have a nice time?
Him: Yeah
Me: I hope you sleep well and we will talk more about it tomorrow

The following morning we talked
Me: Did you have a good time?
Him: Yeah
Me: I am glad. We need to make a plan to have a chat about communication if you are out?
Him: Why?
Me: Because it is polite to let someone know if you have changed plans that you made with them (dinner with The Uncle) and it is considerate to let people know if/when you will be home
Him: OK

There were so many opportunities for screaming and shouting, for escalation and embarrassment. Instead my kid had a good time, I went to bed knowing he was safe, and we have the opportunity to learn how to be better humans to ourselves and others.

That my friends is what NVR looks like in the wild.

Sliding Doors Moments

We all have them. Those moments where we make a choice then look back later at them and realise how profound they were.

Yesterday I got to speak to The Stranger. I got the opportunity to tell her that she changed my life. We don’t tend to tell people when they have those massive impacts on us, mainly because it is years later when we can see the bigger picture.

Yesterday I got to say “Let me show you the bigger picture. Let me tell you the part you played in it”.

I cannot take credit for all of the work that I did with The Boy (or should I call him The Man now?). The blanket that I wrapped our family in was woven from a variety of threads, not all my own. Some were bought, some borrowed. Some requested, others given without prior consent. I picked and discarded many along the way, and still do so now.

If you look to the centre of the cloth, the part that holds it all together, I am there. I made the choices, I dealt with the fall out. I put in the work and I reap the rewards.

I started weaving that blanket after The Stranger gave me her advice. I owe her more than I could ever have words to express.

Future Conditional

I have wondered over the years whether this blog would end in a process of natural evolution.
– When The Boy becomes a man
– When he stops struggling with the world
– When all of the problems are solved

Logically I know that when he becomes a man he is not going to spontaneously stop needing my help, that he will never no longer struggle with the world, that the problems will never all be solved.

And so I move to “as he & I evolve, how will this blog evolve?” and wonder if I have painted myself into a corner with the blog title of “The Space Between Us Was Broken”.

Recently my view of that title has changed. Yes, 6 years ago it was the space between The Boy and I that was broken, but it was also the space between us (collectively and individually) and the world.

The world was not built, and is not organised with The Boy and I in mind.

We are autistic in a neurotypical world. Society’s perception is that it is our job to reshape ourselves in order to fit it, to belong, to align ourselves with standards that make no sense to us.

So I have come to realise that this blog, like the relationship between The Boy and I, has evolved and the focus has changed from one interpersonal relationship to how two neurodivergent people relate to the world.

I am excited for this change.

A Future I Couldn’t Imagine

6 years ago I sat in an uncomfortable chair beside an uncomfortable mattress on the floor facing the uncomfortable truth that I couldn’t imagine a future in which The Boy, The Brother & I would all be warm, safe & dry.

The Boy was in hospital for a psychiatric evaluation (which amongst other things found me failing as his parent) and I did not know how the rest of the evening would go. I knew where we would sleep that night (him in a hospital bed, me on the aforementioned mattress on the floor) but I didn’t know where we would sleep the next night, or the one after that.

I cried silently sitting beside The Boy, waiting for the next time he lost his words, lost his peace, lost his ability to be present in the world. I didn’t have to wait for long.

I cried myself to sleep that night, filled with not knowing.

________________________________________________________________________________________

This afternoon I sat on an uncomfortable chair beside The Boy, who if truth be told is almost a man, listening to teacher after teacher tell me what I already know. He is delightful to teach, a pleasure to be around. By the 5th one I was struggling to hold back my tears.

I wanted to say “Let me tell you where we were. Let me tell you how it was. Let me explain how different this nearly man is than the boy he once was” but I didn’t. He deserves the freedom to be the nearly man he is now, not to be tattooed with the past that we share.

I know the difference. When I think about it, it steals the air from my lungs.

I used to say “He is getting bigger and stronger. If this continues one of us will be in the morgue and the other will be in the Joy”. He is bigger and stronger now, standing at least 4 inches taller than me.

We regularly drive past the morgue and he is most definitely a joy!

It Ain’t What You Say, It’s The Way That You Do It

I know I missed out some lines in the song 😉

The Parent: Dude?
The Boy: Yeah?
TP: In the past said some very unkind things to you, and hurt your body with my body.
TB: (nodding)
TP: I have apologised for doing that with my words. I like to believe that I have shown you in the way that I have chosen to build a new relationship with you that I am sorry for what I did, and that I don’t want to ever do it again.
TB: (still nodding)
TP: I can think I am doing the right thing, but I need to check with you how the message is landing.
TB: (smiling and nodding)
TP: So that was me checking in that everything is landing the right way
TB: Can I have something to eat?
TP: Sure. Cuddle?
TB: No.

I ask him at least once every day for a cuddle. I remember the last time he said yes. I know he will say yes again. I accept his no every time.

Where Do I Find My Joy?

Sometimes days of routine pass.
I meditate. I care for myself. I lift. I eat well.
The routine is smooth and peaceful.

And then I have weeks like this one.
Weeks in which the universe has decided it is time for enlightenment.

On Monday I was listening to Brené Brown talk about gratitude and joy.
She used a quote from David Steindl-Rast

“The root of joy is gratefulness… It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.”

That in and of itself did not ring any alarm bells.
The quote was framed and placed on a shelf in the library of my mind.
There to be seen, already noted as important, saved for future reference.

Today I was driving to a family wedding.
The Boy was sitting to my left, eating chicken and noodles with chop sticks.
5 minutes earlier he had asked me, while I was driving, how to use chop sticks!
I had shown him the placement of the sticks, using a nail file and a tweezers, and left him off to do it.

I changed lanes and the change in road surface caused the car to jiggle.
He continued to eat.

I will take a moment here to say that at various times in the last 5 years I have asked Google some random questions.
One of them being

“where do I find my joy?”

Needless to say Google had no answer for me.

In the same time frame that I was asking Google for the GPS location of my joy, The Boy was struggling with being alive.
Everything hurt.
Putting on socks was too hard some days.
Everything took too much energy and he was living in a world full of rough edges and sharp corners.
Everything frustrated him.

And so back to today.

As I drove with him eating beside me I became so grateful for the work we have done,
for the progress he has made,
for his self found ability to deal with frustration
and like a tidal wave following the gratitude
I was overcome with joy.

Me: There are moments when I am just so incredibly grateful for all the improvements and all of the work that we did and it fills me with such joy
Him: because the road is bumpy and I am able to eat without getting frustrated?

And with that I had the second wave,
the after shock of more gratitude for his self awareness,
and the joy that followed.

There is no way that Google could ever have told me where to find my joy.

Future Self

I regularly ask if future self would be happy with the choice I am making right now.

The example I gave of this recently is that we are attending a family wedding this week. The Boy doesn’t like having his photo taken.

Me: We are going to the wedding next week. There will be photos taken. I would like you to be in the photos and I know Nanna would like a photo of her 4 grandchildren.
The Boy: <listening>
Me: I am not going to bribe or force you to be in the photos. I would however like you to have a chat with Future Self and ask them if they would like the option of looking back at photos of themself at their cousin’s wedding
TB: What do you mean?
Me: You are Earlier Self’s Future Self right now. As Future Self are you glad Earlier Self did the work he did?
TB: Yeah
Me: When you were Earlier Self did you want to do the work?
TB: No
Me: But you are glad you did?
TTO: Yeah
Me: OK… so the same way, I would like you to think about how Future Self would feel about there being no photos. If there are photos Future Self can choose not to look at them, but he can’t time travel to make them exist.

I left it at that.

Current Self has decided to gift Future Self the option of looking back at photos. No bribery or coersion required. Only logic!

My Reading List

I was asked last week for the names of some of the books I have read, that have coloured my journey to where I find myself now. This list will continue to grow with time.

The Explosive Child – Ross Greene
Raising Human Beings – Ross Greene
Non Violent Communication – Marshall Rosenberg
Anything written by Daniel Siegel

Burnout – Emily & Amelia Nagoski
The Dance of Anger – Harriet Lerner
Untamed – Glennon Doyle
The Four Agreements – don Miguel Ruiz
Anything written by Brené Brown

It Was My Honour

Pain begged me to end it
Fear begged me to rescue it
Tiredness begged me for rest

Love allowed me to say no
Trust allowed me to be the grown up
Connection allowed me to make the decisions

There is no regret for requests unheeded
There is no resentment for concerns ignored
There is no annoyance for pleas rejected

It was my honour
It was my joy
It was my healing

Thank you

The Academy Awards

I was 13 the first time I stayed up until silly o’clock to watch the Oscars. I watched it with my mother, who consented to me staying up so late.

Recently she told me that long after I moved out she continued to watch it into the night.

This afternoon The Boy got in touch to ask for permission to stay up late in 3.5 weeks. No demands, and a well worded statement of desire. I know many would look at the “please” in the final request and consider the interaction polite. I do appreciate the please but the politeness exists throughout the exchange.

He is 14. He could come up with shopping list of ways to “get around” me on the night. He chose to be honest. To express his desire. To have a conversation. In doing that he opened himself to hearing my concerns, and potentially be told no.

The arrow marks the point in the exchange where I remembered watching the Oscars, a year younger than he is now.

When I shared the conversation with Fred, he reminisced about watching a sporting event as a child, explaining that he had to get up for school the next day.

So I said yes, and we agreed to make a plan closer to the day.

TO BE CONTINUED…