Parenting Lark – Page 4 – Now it's mostly better, and the cracks are held together with duct tape

It Has Been The Summer

And what a Summer it has been.

The Famous Five would have us all going on adventures and drinking cold tea from a glass milk bottle. Sorry Enid, that is not my Summer.

Our Summer has been full of conversations and collaboration, connection and consideration, curiosity and calm. As I sit here I am racking my brain to remember whether we fought at all this Summer, and I am reasonably confident that the answer is no. Sure, we had disagreements over things, what humans don’t? but nothing turned into an all singing all dancing plates flying fight.

He met my expectations for attending camp, going clothes shopping, doing household chores and spending time with his other parent without The Brother present. It is not just that he met the expectations, he met them with grace, and with apparent ease.

When I look at his face now, he appears to be at peace with the world. I could easily sit back and say “Job done”, but it is not and I am OK with that. So instead I will say “Job status: Pending”.

I Want To Be Childish…

But I am grown up enough to know that I shouldn’t be.

The Boy agreed to do a thing. I came home from work to collect him. A few minutes later it became clear that he had changed his mind, but he still didn’t say anything. When I pressed him he said he had, indeed, changed his mind.

My thoughts went straight to “I came home from work to collect him. I would have been home already if I hadn’t detoured via the house to collect him. He changed his f**king mind???”

This quickly lead to more thoughts, of the childish variety. “Well then, I will change my mind and rescind my part of the agreement we have about bedtime, and the late night streaming thing on Saturday, and and and.”

I sat in the supermarket car park for longer than necessary while those thoughts burned off and the logical part of my brain came back on line. The part that said “Don’t be so silly, that is not going to get you back what you think you have lost” and “Use this as an opportunity to both express your disappointment about wasting time AND to discuss how hard it can be to adjust when someone else changes your plans”

My logical brain is very wise when it wants to be. Damn it!

My Cover Song

I wonder how a cover artist feels about performing their cover track in front of the original artist.

A few days ago I got to describe my interpretation of a process to the person who introduced that process in Ireland. I am full of “have I interpreted it correctly?” and “am I doing it justice?”

I like to believe that I drank the right flavour kool-aid, that he considers me a vicarious success.

The Academy Awards

I was 13 the first time I stayed up until silly o’clock to watch the Oscars. I watched it with my mother, who consented to me staying up so late.

Recently she told me that long after I moved out she continued to watch it into the night.

This afternoon The Boy got in touch to ask for permission to stay up late in 3.5 weeks. No demands, and a well worded statement of desire. I know many would look at the “please” in the final request and consider the interaction polite. I do appreciate the please but the politeness exists throughout the exchange.

He is 14. He could come up with shopping list of ways to “get around” me on the night. He chose to be honest. To express his desire. To have a conversation. In doing that he opened himself to hearing my concerns, and potentially be told no.

The arrow marks the point in the exchange where I remembered watching the Oscars, a year younger than he is now.

When I shared the conversation with Fred, he reminisced about watching a sporting event as a child, explaining that he had to get up for school the next day.

So I said yes, and we agreed to make a plan closer to the day.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Not Necessarily

The fact that I think we are on the “right” path does not mean he thinks we are on the “right” path. My “right” is not necessarily his “right”.

Me: Can I have a minute of your time? I would like to ask you a question.
Him: OK
Me: We had a hard time, and I have told you already that I am incredibly sorry for the things I did in that time.
Him: Yeah
Me: Things are better now but it is important for me to know that we are both happy with the direction we are going in.
Him: Yeah
Me: So I would like to ask you a question, if that’s OK.
Him: Sure
Me: Do you feel safe with me?
Him: Yeah. Why do you want to know?
Me: Lots of things have changed for both of us but if you don’t feel safe then other things have to change.
Him: OK
Me: Thanks.

What Trust Looks Like

Picture the scene. The Parent is outside The Boy’s bedroom door…

The Parent: <knocks on door>
…..
The Parent: <knocks again, a little louder this time>
…..
The Parent: <tries one more time>
…..
The Parent walks to the sitting room, grabs their mobile phone, opens the phone app and scrolls down to The Boy’s number, hitting dial as they walk back down to the bedroom door.

The Parent waits for the boy to answer

The Boy: Hello?
The Parent: I knocked, but you didn’t answer
The Boy: Oh, sorry. My headphones are on. I didn’t hear you.
The Parent: OK, well, it’s dinner time.
The Boy: OK, be there in a sec.

The Parent hangs up the phone and returns to the almost ready dinner.

We have a house rule… closed doors are fine, locked doors are not. Closed doors = privacy, without seclusion, and that privacy must be respected BY EVERYONE. So I knock, and wait for an answer. When I don’t get an answer I try all other means, before opening the closed door.

I trust that he is not hiding anything (no locked door)
He trusts that I won’t just walk in (knocking before entering)

And It Leaks Out Of My Face

Most of the time I forget
What it was like
What he was like
What I was like

Most of the time I forget
How much I cried
How many raised voices
How much sadness and loss

Most of the time I forget
All the work we have done
All the concerns we have addressed
All the progress we have made

Sometimes I remember all of it
And it leaks out of my face

Conversation: How It Went Down

I wonder sometimes if I make “conversation” appear easy when I post a conversation in its entirety without explaining the process. So, here is a conversation, broken into the thought processes and actions required to keep us regulated and moving forward, all the while working on our communication skills.

Sunday evening, 6.15pm, the last night of the Easter Holidays.

The Boy: Oh, I have a project for history

Me: Oh yeah?
TB: Yeah, I have to build a model of something we have learned in history.

Option 1: Scream, rant and rage about wasted time, meeting deadlines, responsibility… descend into name calling
Option 2: Have a conversation about the project

Me: When is it due?
TB: Next Monday

Me: Well next Monday is a bank holiday…
TB: Then the following Thursday.

Option 1: “OMG! THAT IS LESS THAN 2 WEEKS AWAY AND YOU HAVE SAT AROUND DOING NOTHING FOR THE ENTIRE HOLIDAYS…”
Option 2: Continue the conversation about the project

Me: Do you know what you would like to build?
TB: Either a siege tower or a catapult.
Me: (thinking which one would be easier to make from a cereal box) OK, do you know how to make either?
TB: No
Me: OK then, of you go and have a look on YouTube for some suggestions. Please let me know what you found.

Sunday 7.15pm, project due in 11 days

Me: Have you found anything?
TB: Yes, but I need some things
Me: OK, what do you need? Wait, in fact, please just write me a list with as many details as possible.
TB: OK (starts writing)

THE LIST:
Loads of dowels
Loads of coffee stirrers
Paper clips
Hot glue gun and glue.

Option 1: WHERE DO YOU EXPECT ME TO FIND “LOADS OF COFFEE STIRRERS AND DOWELS”???
Option 2: Praise the list and continue the conversation

Me: (slowly melting with pride and delight over the inclusion of “and glue” on the list) That’s a great list. It will take me a day or two to get the stuff
TB: OK

Monday, 4.30pm, ~~project due in 10 days~~ project due in 3 days

TB (by text): The project is actually due this Thursday, not next week.

Monday 5.30pm, project due in 3 days

Me: I couldn’t get coffee stirrers but I got these (lollypop sticks) and the shop didn’t have dowels but they have 2.3m lengths of dowel in the hardware store. How many of them do you think you will need?
Him: Would it be OK to get 2?
Me: Sure, and if we need a 3^rd we can go back and get more. I will get coffee stirrers tomorrow.
Him: Thanks. I will build it tomorrow after school.

Option 1: ARE YOU GOING TO DO ANYTHING THIS EVENING? IF YOU DON’T GET STARTED YOU WON’T GET IT FINISHED. I AM NOT EXCUSING YOUR LACK OF HOMEWORK BECAUSE YOU…
Option 2: Trust that The Boy has a plan and will stick to it.

Tuesday 5.30pm, project due in 2 days

TB: I am going to get started.
Me: Great. Let me know if you need help finding things.

Tuesday 6.15pm, project due in 2 days

TB: Can you help me? My hand is getting sore from cutting.

Option 1: I AM NOT DOING YOUR PROJECT FOR YOU. YOU SHOULD HAVE STARTED IT WEEKS AGO. IF YOU DON’T GET IT FINISHED IT WILL BE YOUR OWN FAULT.
Option 2: Observe and appreciate the self regulation, task organisation and completion, all while continuing to use his best words to communicate with me.

Me: I am sure I can, but will I?
TB: (sigh) OK, will you help me?
Me: I would be delighted to.
TB: Will you cut the round ends off these lolly pop sticks?
Me: How many do you need?
TB: (counting approximately how many he will need) About 29, but I have 2 done already.
Me: (using my adult sized hands cut 27) There you go. Let me know if you need help with any of the other prep work.
TB: Thanks. Will I get to have a go on the PlayStation today?
Me: Probably not as you still have a lot of work to do on the project.
TB: But I can do some of it tomorrow.
Me: There won’t be a lot of time after you spend 3 hours watching Avengers Endgame. So, you can choose between seeing Endgame and having a go on the PlayStation today.
TB: OK

Tuesday 7.30pm, project due in 2 days

TB: Will you cut some dowels for me while I glue these bits together? My hand isn’t big enough for the garden scissors and it is awkward to saw them.
Me: No problem.

Tuesday 8.05pm, project due in 2 days

TB: I am going to pause the project for tonight. I keep burning my fingers with the glue. Is there enough time for me to have a go on the PlayStation?
Me: No. 8.30pm is the cut off for the PlayStation. If there is daily reward thingies that you need to collect that is fine, but there isn’t enough time for a go.
TB: OK, then I will just make the floor and magnet box of the tower before I finish up.
Me: I am loving watching you do this project and thank you for only asking for prep help, not help actually building the tower.

Tuesday 8.55pm, project due in 2 days

TB: I am done for today. I will do the wheels tomorrow.

Option 1: WTAF??? YOU WILL STAY AND FINISH THAT PROJECT. I DON’T WANT IT LEFT UNTIL TOMORROW. YOU WON’T GET IT FINISHED ON TIME…
Option 2: Praise the work that was done, confirm there is a plan for tomorrow.

Me: You did some great work today. What’s the plan for tomorrow?
Him: I am going to finish it when we get back from the cinema.
Me: I can’t wait to see the finished product.

Wednesday 7pm, project due in 1 day

TB: (Just home from the cinema) I have to finish my tower.
Me: Indeed

Wednesday 9.15pm, project due in 1 day

TB: What time is it?
Me: 9.15
TB: Can I have a few extra minutes to finish the wheels?
Me: Sure

Wednesday 9.36pm, project complete

TB: I am done. Can I have something to eat before bed?
Me: Sure. I have really enjoyed watching you work. I am really impressed with the finished product. Get something to eat and then it is time for bed.

So, we had a series of conversations on one topic over the course of 4 days. Each time I had a choice I chose to continue the connection and conversation. Ranting at any point along the way would not have helped the process.

What My Cat Taught Me About Problem Solving

I got a cat. I know, just what I need, another lot of responsibility. Not only did I get a cat, I got a skittish anxious cat!

He sleeps in my bedroom. Well, by sleep, I mean he overnights in my bedroom. He sleeps all day under my bed and then at night comes out to protect me from all of the demons that might have the idea that they want to harm me in the night. Demons such as plastic bags and bits of paper.

Two nights ago he spent much of the early morning protecting me from a piece of wrapping paper (that I had failed to dispose of at the time, a fact I regretted at early o’clock)

SOLUTION! REMOVE THE WRAPPING PAPER!

Yesterday I went to my room to remove the offending piece of paper, thereby protecting myself from being protected by him. I got distracted before I got to the paper and sat on the side of my bed for a few minutes.

Let me back track. In the evening before the wrapping paper incident I had moved some things around in my room and ended up with a clothes airer that had 1 wire coat hanger on it. The airer had previously been covered so the hanger wasn’t visible.

While I was sitting on my bed I witnessed my cat leap into the air and hang onto the hanger with his claws. As the airer started to tip towards him due to his weight hanging out of the hanger he let go of the hanger and fell to the ground, landing roughly on the wrapping paper and then fighting with it because it made noise.

SOLUTION! REMOVE THE HANGER!

I removed the hanger (and the paper) and the problem was solved.

If I had simply removed the paper, he would have continued to leap up to the hanger and I ran the risk of him tipping over the airer and waking me with a crash. As a result of getting distracted from solving the problem (making noise with the paper) I ended up observing the actual issue (the attractiveness of the hanger which moved every time he walked by the airer).

Needless to say he found something else to protect me from last night, but he reminded me of the value of stopping to observe before leaping to solution.

Two Standard Deviations From The Norm

Me: Choosing to parent differently than the majority of the parents around me has been hard. Trying to maintain the changes, while also defending them has been hard.
Friend 1: You shouldn’t have to defend it.
Friend 2: But she does, and she did. When it looked like she was making a rod to beat her own back with the way she was parenting him, I tried to stay quiet because it was better to stay quiet. But occasionally I couldn’t or didn’t stay quiet and I questioned her choices, her parenting. I warned her of all the bad things that would come from giving in to him all the time.
Me: I won’t lie. It was hard to be doing something so different from everyone else, something I wasn’t 100% sure would work.
Friend 2: I was sure the whole time it wouldn’t work.
Me: I think on my best days I was about 75% sure it would work. On my worst days it was about 5%
Friend 1: But you still shouldn’t have had to defend it.
Me: Seeing someone do something different is hard to process. It is hard to look at something that seems completely counter-intuitive and believe it will work.
Friend 2: I didn’t believe that stopping fighting would cause him to stop fighting.
Me: Yup, especially when you feel like fighting is the only way you can get someone to do something, anything.
Friend 2: Exactly. It just didn’t seem right. I thought if you didn’t fight him, he would just walk all over you.

Me: And look at him now.