Small Gains Are Still Gains

The Brother, the one who is always asked to be patient, considerate, tolerant, gets the short end of the shit stick. It is hard to be The Brother.

Today he realised his runners were in the room where The Boy is currently playing on the PlayStation.

The Parent: Please find your runners. Let me know if you need me to go get them for you.
The Brother: OK

A few minutes later.

The Brother: I went into the bedroom to get my runners and The Boy didn’t even give out to me.
The Parent: That is great. Thanks for letting me know. He is doing really well at the moment.
The Brother: Yeah, he is.

Looking Back, With Grace

Sometimes I think that the last two years has flown by, great expanses of time I do not remember. Other times I look back and can remember every moment as though those memories are now encoded in my DNA.

Things are certainly different. We are different, as a family and as individuals. The last two years have seen so much change, in so many domains of my life. I have changed the way I speak, the words I choose, how I interact. Heck, I have even changed my career (although not my profession). None of those changes would have come about if I hadn’t decided, in the heat of the moment, after a particularly bad weekend, to read a statement to my kids about how life would be going forward.

I have gained and lost many things in that time. Friends who couldn’t understand how I was choosing to parent my children. Friends who identified with how I parent my children and now look to me for input. Family members who couldn’t give the help I needed, and who’s own way of help wasn’t needed in my life. Family members who gave of themselves without hesitation or judgement. Jobs that I had to walk away from because I couldn’t guarantee that I would be in work at a certain time, on a certain day. Professional integrity (a loss and a gain). My independence (another loss and gain), and in some ways my self.

When I look back now over that week there are many lasting memories, including, but not limited to:

Treating my child in ways that I will remember and regret for the rest of my life.
A family member realising how I had gotten to the despondent place I ended up in.
A family member telling me that they couldn’t help me, and that it was my own fault because I didn’t use the right words when I asked for help.
Several family members completely ignoring many cries for help.
A complete stranger telling me that I was never to call the police again about my child because she didn’t want to try to rescue a kid with mental health problems from the criminal justice system.
Walking on the boardwalk wondering if I jumped could I die before anyone noticed/reacted.

I work to remember that each of us was doing as well as we could at the time. It takes a lot of effort and grace to remember that.

Humans Do Well When They Can

They said he won’t, I said he can’t
They said he should, I said he would if he could
They said he’s going to have to, I said he will when he can
Some days he had hard days, and he only did as well as he could
Some days he soared like a bird, and he still only did as well as he could
He always tried his best
His best looks different every day

They said punish him, I thought “I can’t”
They said send him away, I thought “I can’t”
Some days I had hard days, and I only did as well as I could
Some days I soared like a bird, and I still only did as well as I could
I always tried my best
My best looks different every day

Some days his best looks like staying in bed and not hurting himself or anyone else
Some days my best is a ham sandwich for dinner

Our best is different now
It is “better” now
He still does as well as he can
And so do I

Each and every day

Inspiration

I do not do this alone. I look for, and get, inspiration from many places.

I feel like there has been a change in the last few years. Perhaps it is that I see more “relevant” things now, or hopefully attitudes are starting to change a little.

I have been increasingly careful about the language I use over the last few years, and now am noticing that others are doing the same. I do find it funny when people who, two years ago, told me that I was taking “this whole thing a bit too far” now turn around to me and tell me how important the words we use are.

Much of my inspiration is boiled down into images. Motivational sayings. How To flow charts. This one came to me today.

For a moment think about the words that were used in the formation of your identity, and how hard it is to change the impact they had.

Now think about the words you use with others. Think about whether you want that person in your life to carry those words around with them forever, as one of the building blocks of their identity.

Problem Solving

Yesterday we had The Boy’s first parent teacher conference in his new school. His math teacher complimented him on his problem solving skills. I almost laughed in her face.

This is the type of problem she was referring to:

Mary has 4 apples more than John. John has twice as many apple as Bob. Bob has 2 apples. How many apples does Mary have?

You have enough information to figure out how many apples Mary has. Go!

This is the type of problem we are used to dealing with:

The boy is stuck in bed.  Why?

That’s it. You may, if you ask the right question at the right time, get more information, but you may not. At no point should you jump to any conclusions, and don’t try to suggest solutions. Go!

There Are None So Blind…

The Boy had his eyes tested last year. He refused to get glasses. I had a few choices.

Choice 1: Force the wearing of the glasses, including threatening (and actually) removing the iPad until he was willing to wear the glasses. This involves spending my energy on screaming, shouting, threatening, reinforcing earlier threats, caving because I don’t have the energy to spend today, punishments… just writing that list is exhausting me!

Choice 2: Work together to get him to wear the glasses. This involves spending my energy on outlining the importance of wearing the glasses ONCE, encouraging the wearing of the glasses (I will admit I tried a little bribery in there), remind him to wear the glasses briefly and then walk away, wait for him to realise why he should wear the glasses.

Choice 3: Accept that he is not going to wear them and move on with my life. Perhaps revisit the topic in a few months.

We went for option 2. Last week he said

“Mom, when I don’t wear my glasses my eyes get tired and go wonky and it is like that for all screens so I just wear them now. It is easier.”

Mic drop!

An Interview With The Boy

I plan to interview The Boy in the coming weeks, as we approach the 2nd anniversary of reading The Statement. He knows that some guest bloggers or interviewees get paid for their input.

I already know the answers to the questions that I want to ask him, but I don’t know what you want to know.

So… if you could ask The Boy something about life then, life now, The Statement, something else relevant, what would you ask?

My Time With Marie – The “Why?”

Marie has asked me many times why I kept going. Why I continued with the program when I was sure it was going to fail, when I was intent on proving it would fail, when I had given everything I had to give and had nothing left.

I have asked myself this many times too.

I wish there was a magic wand answer. The answer that communicated that I knew all along it would be worth it. Alas, there is not.

I have my answers that I give to the world:
– he deserves the best chance to be the best adult he can be
– some day someone will fall in love with him and they deserve the best adult I can help him be
– it is my job to grow the best adult that I will release into the world

The truth is a little more gritty than that.

I broke him. It was my job to fix him.

Plain and simple. He did not get to be the way he was in a vacuum. I was the adult in the equation. I should have known better. I should have done better.

When I knew better, I did better, but that does not absolve me of my past actions. I believe nothing I ever do will absolve me of my past actions, but all of the answers I give to the world still apply.

So I keep going, even with the knowledge that I will never atone for my past indiscretions, but the hope that some day he will forgive me.

That is why I keep going.

I Am Out

About so many things. I am done hiding. I am done contributing to a society where it is shameful to need help, shameful to ask for help, shameful to admit to receiving help.

I am done being told that it is no one else’s business.

And so I am out…

About being in therapy
About having mental health difficulties
About having a kid who sometimes struggles with life
About having a parenting coach
About needing help

My willingness to even mention Marie surprises people. Often they don’t know where to go with it. I always follow up “I have a parenting coach” with “and everyone should have one”.

I am hopeful that someday, someone will say “I need your help”.

2 years ago I would have offered solutions.

Today I like to believe that I will ask “How can I help?”